I’m calling myself out.
We all have a certain time (or times, if you’re embarrassing like me) in our lives where we think we look like hot sh*t in the moment, then look back at old photos and say, “What the hell was I thinking?”
I have so many posts I could create, putting myself on blast for your benefit and amusement.
And in fact, I will, because 1) There are too many abominations to name all at once, and 2) Out of all the people I love to hysterically laugh at, I’m my favorite (I’m an equal opportunity maker-funner).
Today, we are focusing on the tragic, tragic ghosts of makeup’s past.
Let’s get down to business.
1) Corpse Lips
If you want to look washed out, by all means, wear lipstick that is way too light. Also, if you aim to appear deceased, be sure NOT to pair it with any lip liner at all. You will successfully look both shriveled and without pulse.
ALTERNATIVE: To use a lipstick like this, first fill your lips with a medium-shade liner, then dab and blend the lighter color in the center for dimension.
2) All Drag, No Queen
When women pound on makeup too harshly, they appear more masculine. Agree, or do I just spend too much time around Drag Queens?
By the way, I wear just as much makeup now as I did then, if not more, yet I look infinitely softer and better present day. It’s all about technique (and tons of practice!).
ALTERNATIVE: Check out YouTube tutorials from the OG MUA who taught me the most (and explains many of these mistakes), Wayne Goss.
Also, don’t trust every “beauty guru.”
3) & 4) Contour, Mud, or Cheeto Cheeks?
Two Possible Crimes (of many):
3) Improper Color:
Anything with an undertone that is too warm will not accomplish the mission. In short, contour creates dimension by mimicking natural shadows. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN ORANGE SHADOW? Didn’t think so.
ALTERNATIVE: Seek a color with a neutral undertone — not too warm or cool — that is roughly 2 shades darker than your natural skin. Bronzer and contour are two different products, not to be used interchangeably.
4) Improper Application:
In the photos below, the contour undertones were more suitable, but the execution was not.
I was too heavy-handed, and created shadows in the wrong shape/areas. It looks droopy and dirty, similar to the result of having wrestled a pig in mud (and lost).
ALTERNATIVE: Understanding first what contour even is and does (it’s more complex than you may think), and then improving placement and application. Again, Wayne Goss.
Future post coming with detailed tips + tricks (will link once available).
5) “Might As Well Have Used a Sharpie” Eyebrows
I see this all the time. I fell victim to it myself, up until fairly recently. I even thought that I was some type of Eyebrow Guru.
Ladies, please! The “Instagram Eyebrow” is not attractive in terms of achieving overall facial balance. Your eyebrows should be a frame, NOT the focus.
Also, don’t square off the inner corner into a big black chunk. Just don’t.
ALTERNATIVE: Naturally, eyebrows are slightly denser towards the tail, and become a bit more sparse in the inner corners.
Work with this, enhance it, and don’t over-exaggerate it.
Blend your product with a spooly.
Don’t use a filler that’s too dark for your hair color. SOFTER IS BETTER.
Future post coming with how to shape + fill in your own eyebrows like a pro (will link once available).
Hopefully this was helpful. And if it wasn’t (either because you’re already hip, in denial, or just don’t wear makeup), I truly hope you got a good laugh.
Until next time…